Losing Your Second Parent: Why Grief Can Feel Like Losing a Part of Yourself

Four years ago today, I lost my dad having lost my mum 9 years earlier and I felt compelled to write this piece in the hope it may give some comfort to any of you who are grieving right now.

When we lose a parent, our world shifts forever. But losing a second parent — the final link to where we come from — can feel profoundly different. It’s not just the loss of a loved one; it’s the loss of a foundation. Many people describe it as feeling “untethered,” as though the ground beneath them has moved and this definitely felt like that for me.

The Unique Weight of Losing the Second Parent

The death of a first parent is heartbreaking, but often there is comfort in the presence of the surviving parent. You can still share childhood stories, family traditions, and the quirks that only your family understands.

When your second parent dies, something changes. You may feel:

• Rootless – as though the last person anchoring your history has gone.

• Disoriented – family homes, belongings, and rituals can suddenly feel empty.

• Older overnight – without parents, many people feel they’ve been pushed into the “front line” of life.

• Alone in your memories – no one else remembers you as a child in quite the same way.

This can bring not only sadness, but also an existential kind of grief — a loss of part of your identity and this can be very challenging to navigate.

Why This Grief Can Feel Different

The bereavement of a second parent can trigger a deep reflection on who we are without them. Parents are often our first mirrors, shaping our sense of self. Their absence can stir questions like:

• Who am I now that both of them are gone?

• What happens to my family identity?

• Who will remember me as a child when I can’t remember myself?

  
  

This type of grief isn’t only about missing your parents — it’s about confronting your own mortality and rethinking your place in the world.

The Sense of Being Untethered

The word untethered captures what many feel after the death of a second parent. Without parents, life can feel less anchored. Even if you are independent and secure, there is a shift:

• The people who saw your whole life are gone.

• Family homes may be sold, belongings divided, and traditions fade.

• You may feel adrift, even if surrounded by others.

Acknowledging this feeling can be powerful. It helps to validate that this grief is not just sadness, but a profound identity loss.

Finding Grounding Again

Though grief feels destabilising, there are ways to reconnect and re-anchor yourself that have worked for me and clients I have seen:

• Create new rituals: Light a candle on significant dates, cook a meal they loved, or share memories with siblings.

• Preserve your heritage: Gather family photos, record stories, or pass traditions to the next generation.

• Seek support: Therapy can help explore the identity shifts and existential questions this loss brings.

• Allow the grief: There’s no deadline for “moving on.” Instead, grief can be integrated into life, shaping rather than defining you.

  
  

Moving Forward Without Forgetting

Grief never truly ends, but it changes shape. Losing your second parent may always feel like a deep absence, but in time it can also become a source of strength. Their stories, love, and influence live within you — even as you carve a new path without them.

If you are struggling with the loss of your second parent, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Speaking to a therapist can provide space to process the grief, rebuild a sense of self, and find grounding when life feels untethered, but I personally recommend not seeking therapy until at least six months have passed to get the best benefit from therapy when emotions may be less raw.